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having such a hard time tonight. terrible anniversary of sonja's death. everyone is still on her facebook leaving messages tonight.
January 23rd, 2009
January 25th, 2008
They wouldn't let me see her today.
I had been steeling myself all morning, bracing for the inevitable. I was the only one in the family who even thought they could go, and see.
"I want to see her," was the first thing out of my mouth.
"I strongly advise against that at this point"
"But i need to see her"
"Ma'am, I must tell you that by law I have to allow you to see the body if you insist, but I am telling you that you don't want to see her. Not now."
I thought about that and what it might mean. Some of the family wants a closed casket, some open. It was my understanding that along with clothes I'd just bought for her to wear, I was going to the funeral parlor to *see* her.
"What is your opinion on the ability to have an open casket?"
there was a long pause
"There was no trauma to her face."
"Where was she hurt?"
"There was multiple blunt force trauma"
"Where?"
"I can get you the death certificate if you like"
But by then I was already mesmerized by an elderly gentleman who slid up to me alarmingly quietly. At my elbow he caught my attention.
"I have her jewelry"
This was confusing-- her jewelry was supposed to have been handed over at the emergency room.
I think that a funeral director and their staff have a kind of *responsibility* you know, to do things that are TASTEFUL and COMFORTING. This SAME woman who steered me away from seeing my 25 year old cousin's body stood right there while her minion dumped out a plastic Biohazard bag into my hands.
There is no reason I can think of that i would want to see that they could only locate one earring. Or that some of her hair was in it. Or that I probably didn't need to think about what my family member's finger looked like when one of her rings was crushed flat. Her bracelet, covered in blood, everything else blood-flecked. I was horrified. Why this double standard? Did people actually WANT bloody jewely, but didn't want to see the body? Is that the normal routine?
Even though i didnt see her body, I've seen the video on the news of her car. And now I've seen her jewelry.
"High neck, long sleeves, high neck, long sleeves.." is what I kept repeating like a retarded mantra at the department store. Buying an outfit for her was harder than i expected. I felt overwhelming pressure. My mom wanted blue-- there was nothing blue with a High Neck and Long Sleeves. I kept thinking the whole time about *why* the funeral director insisted on a high neck and long sleeves. I ended up buying armloads of clotes, unable to make any decision at all. I forget underwear-- later i thought "would she need underwear? Should I call?" These are the details that kill you little by little.
I look at the fact that I was the last person she messaged on facebook. I haunt facebook. I wait. I wonder. Mostly i obessess that maybe she's *not* dead, there was some mistake, after all no one identified the body. Not even at the hospital. Is that even legal? At any rate, it's mean
"She's dead" they say when i suggest maybe it's not her. But still.... I imagine her bursting into the house with a wild story, but alive, alive alive. There's simply no way that she's dead. To say she had her whole life ahead of her is trite and gay. But she did. New car, new job, just about to graduate with her B.A.
I know some of the story around the accident. Bits and peices, whatever crumbs her friends will spill. I have her purse, I have her cell phone.
I have her cellphone.
I spent hours scrolling up and down all the texts she sent that night. What did they mean? Who were some of these people? I know she was being harassed by some woman and that was part of the problem that night. I looked at the numbers that registered on her phone in the hours before she died. I tell Jay, "I am going to find that woman and kill her." He obviously thinks it's not a good idea. But i want to HURT someone, i want to kick something smash up everything.
This girl, whose mother died in a car crash almost identically horrifying 21 years ago, this young woman, raised as my sister is gone.
It's impossible to fathom
RIP my love
http://www.cbs6albany.com/video/?bc
the accident.
You know i stopped using and eventually deleted the susurrant voice LJ when my dad died a year and a half ago. Since then I've buried another family member and now a third. My life, in the midst of separation and divorce, cleaning up my dad's estate and trying to be a single mom leaves no room to hang around at the old stomping grounds. It's probably fitting that i go. There's not much more after this that i have to say-- except this: life is short. You think it's long? It's not. Roll the dice. That fight you had with your mom? The way your dad judged you? How your sister always steals your clothes? Fucking FORGET IT. Make up, make things right, live your life and your life with the ones you love like it's up tomorrow. Don't put it off, do what's in your heart, and do it now.
I had been steeling myself all morning, bracing for the inevitable. I was the only one in the family who even thought they could go, and see.
"I want to see her," was the first thing out of my mouth.
"I strongly advise against that at this point"
"But i need to see her"
"Ma'am, I must tell you that by law I have to allow you to see the body if you insist, but I am telling you that you don't want to see her. Not now."
I thought about that and what it might mean. Some of the family wants a closed casket, some open. It was my understanding that along with clothes I'd just bought for her to wear, I was going to the funeral parlor to *see* her.
"What is your opinion on the ability to have an open casket?"
there was a long pause
"There was no trauma to her face."
"Where was she hurt?"
"There was multiple blunt force trauma"
"Where?"
"I can get you the death certificate if you like"
But by then I was already mesmerized by an elderly gentleman who slid up to me alarmingly quietly. At my elbow he caught my attention.
"I have her jewelry"
This was confusing-- her jewelry was supposed to have been handed over at the emergency room.
I think that a funeral director and their staff have a kind of *responsibility* you know, to do things that are TASTEFUL and COMFORTING. This SAME woman who steered me away from seeing my 25 year old cousin's body stood right there while her minion dumped out a plastic Biohazard bag into my hands.
There is no reason I can think of that i would want to see that they could only locate one earring. Or that some of her hair was in it. Or that I probably didn't need to think about what my family member's finger looked like when one of her rings was crushed flat. Her bracelet, covered in blood, everything else blood-flecked. I was horrified. Why this double standard? Did people actually WANT bloody jewely, but didn't want to see the body? Is that the normal routine?
Even though i didnt see her body, I've seen the video on the news of her car. And now I've seen her jewelry.
"High neck, long sleeves, high neck, long sleeves.." is what I kept repeating like a retarded mantra at the department store. Buying an outfit for her was harder than i expected. I felt overwhelming pressure. My mom wanted blue-- there was nothing blue with a High Neck and Long Sleeves. I kept thinking the whole time about *why* the funeral director insisted on a high neck and long sleeves. I ended up buying armloads of clotes, unable to make any decision at all. I forget underwear-- later i thought "would she need underwear? Should I call?" These are the details that kill you little by little.
I look at the fact that I was the last person she messaged on facebook. I haunt facebook. I wait. I wonder. Mostly i obessess that maybe she's *not* dead, there was some mistake, after all no one identified the body. Not even at the hospital. Is that even legal? At any rate, it's mean
"She's dead" they say when i suggest maybe it's not her. But still.... I imagine her bursting into the house with a wild story, but alive, alive alive. There's simply no way that she's dead. To say she had her whole life ahead of her is trite and gay. But she did. New car, new job, just about to graduate with her B.A.
I know some of the story around the accident. Bits and peices, whatever crumbs her friends will spill. I have her purse, I have her cell phone.
I have her cellphone.
I spent hours scrolling up and down all the texts she sent that night. What did they mean? Who were some of these people? I know she was being harassed by some woman and that was part of the problem that night. I looked at the numbers that registered on her phone in the hours before she died. I tell Jay, "I am going to find that woman and kill her." He obviously thinks it's not a good idea. But i want to HURT someone, i want to kick something smash up everything.
This girl, whose mother died in a car crash almost identically horrifying 21 years ago, this young woman, raised as my sister is gone.
It's impossible to fathom
RIP my love
http://www.cbs6albany.com/video/?bc
the accident.
You know i stopped using and eventually deleted the susurrant voice LJ when my dad died a year and a half ago. Since then I've buried another family member and now a third. My life, in the midst of separation and divorce, cleaning up my dad's estate and trying to be a single mom leaves no room to hang around at the old stomping grounds. It's probably fitting that i go. There's not much more after this that i have to say-- except this: life is short. You think it's long? It's not. Roll the dice. That fight you had with your mom? The way your dad judged you? How your sister always steals your clothes? Fucking FORGET IT. Make up, make things right, live your life and your life with the ones you love like it's up tomorrow. Don't put it off, do what's in your heart, and do it now.
cold